My Mom Passed Away

[Kirahfaye]

I've been hesitant to talk about what's been going on with my mom these past several weeks. She'd been dealing with dementia and Alzheimer's for almost 4 years and was solidly in the middle stage. The beginning of February she became erratic and irrational for several days, didn't know who we were, screaming at us and threatening to hit us (to her we were strangers in her "home"). Changing her medications and treating her for a UTI helped with that, though she often thought I was her best friend's daughter for some reason. Then in early March, 2 days after the 10th anniversary of her husband's death (though she didn't really remember him very well) she took a decidedly bad turn. She woke up unable to walk on her own, mumbling almost incoherently, with significant back and leg pain and even her face was distorted. We thought she had had a stroke, but over the next couple of weeks, as the result of several falls, she was taken to ER and each time she was cleared of having a stroke - or of anything else physically wrong for that matter. Finally, on the 12th we got a couple of EMTs who agreed she should go to a larger hospital (further away) because they has a head trauma dept whereas our smaller one didn't. My mom was admitted because of an infection they found in her blood, but another CT Scan was clear. By the end of the next week she was placed in a nursing home (2 hours away....) because she wouldn't or couldn't stay awake or walk.

She was in the nursing home for rehab for 9 days before they sent her to another hospital (close to them). She had stopped eating the day before, she had a low grade temperature and her blood pressure had plummeted. Prior to this, even though she kept falling back to sleep, she would briefly rouse when spoken to or touched and would follow commands like squeezing fingers, etc, but she wouldn't talk and they would have to coax her to eat or drink. The hospital put her on a feeding tube and IV and was able to get her vital signs up after a few days, but then she stopped responding at all. A CT Scan showed a significant deterioration in her brain since the previous CT Scan. They also determined she had an infection in her stool called clostridium difficile (c. diff.) which in her case would probably be fatal. On the 7th I authorized that she be removed from all but comfort support (per her AD). She was transferred to the hospital palliative care unit and then sent to a local hospice. My husband and I saw her on Monday and thankfully she looked more like herself again. However, because of her infection and how dangerous it can be, I decided not to visit again since I didn't want to risk anyone in the family getting sick (it can be deadly). I called each day and then yesterday evening (an hour after I'd talked to the nurse), I got the call that she had passed, 9 days after being taking off feeding tubes.... That's been that hardest part for me: knowing that she was slowly starving to death.

My aunt told me it's okay to feel relief after being my mom's caregiver for nearly 4 years. I'm actually in a state of numbness, I think. It's both happened so fast and yet been so long. I feel like my mom died 7 weeks ago, but her body won't stop fighting. I was never a proponent of Right to Die, but after seeing what she went through, I'm much more open to it... I should have her remains by Monday. That's probably when it will really hit me.

Next year, after all this pandemic crap is behind us we will take her remains and have her buried with my step-dad. That's all she ever wanted since he passed away. She's free of the horror of dementia and is with Mike, my sister, her dad and other loved ones.

[kenaiqueen]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to understand how hard it's been for you. If it's any consolation coming from someone you know only casually and who does some caregiving for my DH, I can only agree with your Aunt. It doesn't diminish your love to feel some relief. Modern medicine with it's ability to prolong life can sometimes be hard to balance with dignity and feeling. Virtual hugs!

[Tam I am]

*sending hugs* *also trying not to blubber*

[SetsunaKou]

KirahFaye-san! :deep deep hugs: My heart is aching with you and please know I will be praying for you and your family.
Though I know how sad you must be, I also know it's a blessing to you, to know she's happy now and finally well and celebratung with her loved ones there in Heaven with the Lord.

:hugs: God be with you now and comfort you!

[victoriavictrix]

*Hugs*.

[davidd]

I feel your sorrow, I really do. My mother passed away nine months ago. Similar story, no need to go in to it, other than to acknowledge how much of a numbing shock it is at first, even when we know what is coming. Afterward, the sense of loss will strike out of the blue.

I'm sorry for your loss; and the sense of relief is okay, too. The hardest part is watching the person we knew and loved disappear before our eyes.

[Kattriella]

I'm so sorry . . . At the very least, she's at peace and no longer hurting or suffering. You gave her the best care you could while she was here, and even during the worst days, I'm sure she knew that and knew that she was loved.

[DollyKim]

My condolences

[maywong]

I'm so sorry about your loss. (hugs)

[Jobee]

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry! That really sucks.