Life Sure is Strange

[Dark Angel]

I'm so exhausted. I've been up all night. I have too much on my mind.

This has been going on for months. The hospital, Re-hab center, hospital again, and now home. She's been home for about 5 or 6 weeks, and was told (a week or two after coming home from the hospital the second time) that she had two weeks. It's been 4.

I'm glad she is still alive, but in a selfish "I want my grandma" kind-of-way. On the other hand I wish she would pass quickly and gently so that her pain will stop. And, I'm not trying to sound like a baby or anything, but taking care of her is really hard. She needs constant care. And she refuses to go to a home. And my grandpa won't put her in one because they made a promise to each other.

But she is wearing everyone out. My Aunt (doesn't have a job) and cousin (no school) flew in from Hawaii to be with her 24/7 because my family has school and work so we can't be there with her all the time. Whenever she is awake (which is happening less frequently) she wants someone there to hold her hand. And she wants someone to hold her hand while she is sleeping too, but we sneak away after a bit so that we can continue with our lives.

Then my grandma does this thing where she won't take any of her medicine. And then complains about feeling crappy. Also she is so weak that she cannot walk. Or even stand now. We have to lift her to get her in to her wheel chair so that she isn't stuck in the same room forever. We're going to talk to Hospice and see if we can get a lift thing so that we don't break our backs. Because, like the rest of the family, she is over weight.

I guess my 'breaking point' was last week when she tried to guilt trip me in to cleaning her up after she "uses the bathroom". It's hard enough for me to see my grandma dying, but then to wipe her butt! No. I can't do it. She started the guilt trip: "You would even hold me up if I was falling!?" *insert extremely hurt face* I said she was trying to give me a guilt trip and I left the room. I tried to hold myself together, but I just started crying and went to my parents. It wouldn't be so bad, but I've told them, and my parents have told them, that we are absolutly NOT cleaning her like that. That is my grandpa's job. We made a deal that if she got to stay home on hospice than he would have to clean her. So then my grandma breaks down in to tears and calls my cell, my mom's cell, and my dad's cell saying that she was "joking" No. It was not a joke. It was only a joke in the sense that you got busted saying something wrong so you backtrack and say it was a joke.

But she's dying to I forgave her within an hour. But my dad told her to never bring it up again.

And it's not like I don't love my grandma, because I do. And I'm trying my best! Absolute BEST to help her anyway I can. but I think she's going to kill me before she dies.

[delbelcoure]

Big hugs! This sounds so hard on you, your family and your grandma. If you don't mind, I will keep you in my prayers.
Susan

[Mary Kathryn]

Oh, honey. (((hugs)))
First of all, everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. Have a look at The Caregiver's Bill of Rights. It's important that you and everyone else assisting in helping your grandmother realize and acknowledge that you have to take care of yourselves, too.
Is hospice an option? They were really awesome and eased a lot of the burdens for us when my mom was dying.
Keep talking. We're listening. And I've got you in my prayers.