My dolls are not my children

[quidam]

I just need to vent. And I assume that others in the hobby have gotten this before too, so feel free to add your own frustrations. (Or happy words. I probably need happy words more)

So I have a new doll arriving today. It is being shipped to my mom's house, because she's at home all day. She was talking to my brother on the phone and mentioned that she was waiting around for the delivery. I guess he made a comment about why I was buying another doll and why didn't I just have real children to dress up and play with.

She thought it was amusing.

I did not.

I held back, but I wanted to ask why he didn't just join the military instead of playing his video games. Or, you know, why doesn't he just go on shooting rampage, as his hobby of first shooter games is obviously just a cover for his desire to kill people.

Don't get me wrong: I do love children and want my own some day. But being in the doll hobby is NOT an extension of that desire. I do not see my dolls as placeholder children.(On a similar subject, I also don't see my pets as children. I love them, but they are pets.) I like dolls and I like children, but these two things are completely unrelated to each other.

For me, my dolls are a creative outlet. Period.
I do not treat them as my pretend children, nor do I expect others to see them as my pretend children.

At the moment I'm feeling madder than I should be, but for some reason it seemed to hit a nerve. I was so excited about my new boy arriving, and now part of me doesn't even want to open the stupid box when it gets here.

[DollyKim]

Don't let some arsehole, even if it's your smother, ruin your anything. You open that doll and enjoy it all the more even if it's in spite. In my most childish way I get to enjoy all my human shaped salutes to my disposable income from managing my money well from what I feel are good life choices. You can't put a baby in a box in the closet when you want to go out and do life stuff.

[ShortNCuddlyAm]

I guess he made a comment about why I was buying another doll and why didn't I just have real children to dress up and play with.

You can't put a baby in a box in the closet when you want to go out and do life stuff.

It drives me round the bend when someone claims x is just a substitute for a child. Especially the ones that come across as sanctimonious gits who think they know you better than you do (but who couldn't even tell you what your favourite drink is)

I've never wanted children. When I was an older child and teen I figured I would grow into wanting them, but I never did. So of course over the years I've had people try and convince me I do actually want children (the worst was a co-worker who told me he could hear all the children god had put inside me screaming to come out. I can't remember what I told him, but it was the last time he spoke to me without having a really pressing work need. ), and people try to convince me that anything I showed the least bit of affection to or interest in was just a substitute child (cats when we had them, playing The Sims, and so on).

My general response is that I don't think it's worth betting someone's life on the fact I might grow to like or even love a child once I've had one; and that if I don't, or get bored, or fed or just don't want to deal with it any more I can't just shove it in a box in the loft until I want to play with it some more. The tone I use really depends on the person and how they ask.

I get that for some people pets, dolls, cuddlies, whatever, are substitutes for children. But I hate the assumption that if you're a women you must want children. Doubly so if you have pets, dolls etc.

[zirconmermaid]

I also never had and didn't want to have children. I don't mind borrowing them, I love being a mentor to children and enjoy activities with them, but I don't want to be responsible for my own. I feel that there is a need for non-parental mentors and safe adults. My husband and I provide that need. And I also resent the people that have said that I have "missed out". No. I haven't. Nor have you. And most definitely my dolls are not substitute children! I usually just ignore people who assume that they are. It isn't worth my time to explain it to them, if they don't already know me well enough. I don't think it is wrong to have a substitute for children, and dolls can be wonderful therapy for it. I have know friends who did need a doll to be this for them. But not me. And they told me or I would not assume it. I do not think every woman needs children. I think it takes a strong woman to understand she doesn't want them and to stand against societal pressure.

Dolls, on the other hand, are a wonderful way for me to explore all facets of my hobbies! Costume, props, jewelry, miniatures, photography, crafts, storytelling, and more.

[Trethowan]

That's too frustrating. I think some of it comes from the mentality that dolls are for children and if you have them as an adult there must be something wrong with you. If you have dolls you MUST really want kids, why else have them because they're toys? Some folks can't wrap their heads around it so they reach to the only thing they can understand. It's annoying but I hope you won't let it interfere with your own happiness and box opening.

As for children, I'd always said I didn't want one but now that I'm a mother I wish I'd started a family a decade ago. It's more fun than I ever thought it would be so I'm a little sad that I waited so long to get started. I didn't know I was capable of this much love. It does make everything else pale in comparison, but that hasn't made me not care about my hobbies, etc. I just have to be more efficient in how I use my free time.

[WhiteDove01s]

Actually, this just reminds me of a couple incidents I've had since I'm working on diapers and potentially other costumes for a barbie Kelly and Tommy recently. While doing things like holding the little plastic 'babies' under near-scalding tap water to get their hair to lie down, or holding them upside down and trying to wrestle something on to see if it fits, I've commented to myself "this is why I don't have real kids~"

Not that I'd ever do that to a child. Just, as many have said, dolls are much less breakable, and can be shoved in a drawer when you want to get back to your life. Except for the bit where dolls are (often) shaped like people and sometimes shaped like kids, I really don't get the comparison at all. If you had a real kid, you wouldn't be able to do 90% of the stuff to them you can to a doll... Kids are people. They have their own wants and needs and are not going to sit on the end of your desk for a week while you figure out how to make miniature diapers.

For me, they're a creative outlet and sometimes a visual representation of the 'character voices in my head' that I've ended up with due to years of various RP and method acting.

[splashez]

Ugh! Brothers can be so annoying! Don't let anyone (including family members) ruin the excitement, fun, and happiness that you get out of enjoying your own doll and the doll hobby. If anyone has a problem with you being in a hobby that obviously makes you happy and where you're not out hurting yourself or others financially, physically, or mentally in the process, then they need to focus less on you and more on themselves and their life choices. Don't let them bring you down just so they can feel superior about themselves.

I do not really think of my dolls or pets as my children. In fact, my dolls and pets act better than some children that I have met in the past. I knew at a rather young age that I did not want children of my own. Watching the news and listening to others over the years discuss all of the mean things that some children have done to other children, animals, and even adults is scary and has only solidified my decision to not have them.
Besides, I'm finally starting to get my social anxiety under control and I feel that right now it is imperative for me to start working on bettering myself and figuring out what I want out of life before I even consider the potential thought of wanting to bring a new life in this world.

[Kirahfaye]

By that definition, those of us with children should not enjoy collecting dolls at all, which is - obviously - ridiculous!

Like Treth, I originally didn't think I wanted children (much to the disappointment of my parents since my sister never had children), but that changed in my mid-thirties. I love my daughter to bits and wish she had older siblings, but she didn't complete my life anymore than my husband did. Children add to our lives, but they aren't the end game. They even encompass a large portion of our lives, but they aren't it's entirety. And while being parents can change us to an extent, children do not make us who we are.

Dolls are not substitute children (although I'll admit I've read some accounts of people treating them as such) and children are not dolls. We change our minds about our dolls all the time. We'd be considered monsters if we rehomed our children the way we rehome dolls! On the other hand, our children change their minds about us for about the first quarter of their lives!

I'm glad I have my daughter and I'm glad I have my dolls.

[quidam]

So, figuring my brother was right, I started a college fund for my new doll.


No really, I did calm down and was fine before the box finally did arrive. (and he's perfect! Photos will be posted somewhere around here this weekend!) I think it just rubbed me the wrong way because I really would like to have started a family by now, and it sometimes annoys me that I haven't. I don't like people pointing out what I already feel a bit insecure about. Even less so when they link it to something that has nothing to do with it. Like the entire reason I don't haven't started a family is because I collect dolls, or I had to settle for that because I'm such a loser.

Talking to my mom later, she clarified that she didn't think my brother was psychoanalyzing my doll hobby, but was seeing the world through "Chris colored glasses" again. I love him, but he does have a very odd way of looking at things. She said that it was probably his way of expressing his desire to be an uncle, and she's probably right. Still, it's slightly annoying. I want to be an aunt, so why doesn't he give up his hobbies and have some kids?

Anyway, so I have calmed down, but please let's not link my love of children to my love of dolls! I certainly do not plan on trading my dolls in once I do have kids. (and hopefully won't plan on trading my kids for dolls )

[Tasuke]

i can understand and relate, OP, even though i've never had anyone accuse me of a desire to rear children being expressed through doll collecting, merely a silly nephew that once called my Tenchi Muyo Ayeka a "Barbie"
about a decade-plus ago, and her husband, whom saw her as well,
and quipped something to the general tune of; "i like Asian Girls; i like to F%$k 'em"

for my part, i guess i've been lucky to have generally understanding immediate family. i personally look at my dolls as my fantasy dream Harem of Anime girls. i love to find dolls of Anime characters i care about, much, much more than finding figures and statues,
since the dolls allow me the priceless (to me) freedom of dressing them as i see fit.

it is among my greatest passions, and, if anything, an expression
of my overwhelming Patriarchal (and honestly rather backward) desire to have a woman i am head-over-heels for,
willing to dress up to please me.

perhaps i'm being overly hard on myself, but i don't really think so...